Our daughter was around 21 months old when my wife and I asked ourselves, when should we move our child from a cot to a bed? The initial problem was that she started to climb out over the top of the cot sides and as soon as she fell and hurt herself the cot bed was re-configured to a bed without the sides. The transition from a cot to a bed was problematic with her, as I will go on to exaplain.
You see, we didn’t want our daughter to seriously hurt herself, nor associate her bedroom with bad things happening. However, getting her used to her new bed has been hell. She refused to lay in it, she came to the bedroom door and cried for hours until we went back to settle her. I started to get really annoyed and angry with her but its not her fault.
I went to Google and typed ‘how to get my toddler to sleep through the night’. There are so many websites out there with lots of different information on and its so confusing. We were relieved to find out that we’re not alone and most parents go through this to some degree at some time in their child’s development. We got some advice from our health visitor and she talked us through the steps below that I want to share with you.
If you are having toddler bedtime problems, whatever you do remember you are not the only ones and there are accepted steps that you can take to eradicate the problem. I will describe three methods; the direct approach, the gradual approach and the gentle approach. The method you use to get your toddler to sleep will most likely depend on how your parenting style is. Bear in mind that each method takes a different length of time to become effective. Let’s take a look at the three methods.
The Direct Approach
This is the method we opted for, simply because it takes the shortest time and is easier to manage at the time. The direct approach is a no nonsense way of teaching your child to fall asleep on their own. It may feel unnatural and uncomfortable for some parents not to return and check on their child. If this is you then the gradual approach may be easier for you.
Explain To Your Child
Firstly, you need to explain to you child what is going to happen if they stay in bed and behave. When you are ready to say goodnight, say something to them like “If you stay in your own bed until it is morning then I will have a nice surprise waiting for you when you wake up. If you call out or cry I won’t come back or answer you. If you get out of bed I will put you back and close your door.” It sounds harsh but you need to be direct with this approach. Say goodnight, give them a kiss and leave in a decisive manner. Ignore them if they call out or cry.
Even though our daughter is under the usual age for changing from cot to bed, she knows what is going on. Children are innocent and naïve; they are not stupid. They understand what you are telling them but they know which buttons to push to get a reaction. They know how to push boundaries as they learn what life is about. Don’t give in, be firm.
Planned Ignoring
This is the toughest part. As you leave your child’s room don’t look back, don’t say anything and ignore them if they cry. You must be prepared for them to cry and on the first couple of nights it may continue for quite some time. On the second night of our routine the calling out and crying went from 7:00p.m. until at least 1:30a.m.!
It is so important that no matter how hard this method feels, you don’t go back to them. If you do they will learn that the longer and harder they cry they will get you to come back. If this is the method you choose then stick with it. It will get better and easier over the course of about seven days, the common time scale for this approach. Most children will have learnt after seven days how to fall asleep without as much fuss. You will find the first few days the most difficult.
We found it useful to keep a diary of our approach to this and our child’s behaviour over seven days. This is a good idea if you seek advice from a health worker or child professional, as they can see where you may be going wrong if it doesn’t start to work within a week.
The Gradual Approach
This approach takes a little longer both in terms of time scale and how much you need to do each night. The overall time for this to work will be around 10 days but the goal and main difference in this method is reassurance; both for you and your child.
Do the same as before – settle them into bed and tell them to stay in bed until morning, say goodnight then leave. This time, give them a chance to settle themselves and return after 2 minutes. Go in and remind them it is time to go to bed whilst patting or stroking their head. Leave after 1 minute, even if they are crying.
Feeling reassured yet? Good, this is not designed to help stop them from crying but to give reassurance to both of you. Leave them again for 2 minutes longer than last time before returning. Stay with them for another minute as you stroke their head and tell them it’s time to go to sleep. Always leave after 1 minute. As you progress through the evening you will return after 2 minute, then 4 minutes, then 8 minutes and so on until they settle. Eventually you can choose not to return if they are quiet and settled in their bed.
Remember to leave after 1 minute each time, even if they are crying. Have a clock or watch handy (without an alarm set) to help you keep to your schedule. Again, keeping a diary each night may be of benefit to keep track or seek further advice.
The Gentle Approach
This method is really for younger children who are still sleeping in a cot but will not settle. We never had this problem and up until now we have been very fortunate with our little girl. I must remember to thank her when she is older!
The gentle approach is to put your child into their cot at a regular bedtime, say goodnight and stay in the room. Sit in a chair or lie on another bed in the same room but ignore your child. Don’t make eye contact, don’t talk to them and don’t make noises. Pretend to be asleep until they are and leave the room. If they wake again, return to their room and resume the pretence of being asleep until they fall asleep again. You may decide it is easier to sleep in the same room with them. If you do, don’t go to them or react if the call out or cry, unless they are in danger or they are ill.
Even at this early stage you can still use a method similar to the direct approach called controlled crying. You child will soon learn to settle themselves and won’t bother crying for you because you won’t go back anyway. It took us just a few days to do this with our daughter in her cot. After all, they go into their cot and out of your room so, firstly you can have your space and sleep back, also because they need their own room and their own bed with more space.
Our Progress
At first we were a little confused as we embarked on the direct approach. The guide I have described above instructed us to tell our child that if she got out of bed we would return and put her back in bed. But then the steps following that tell us to ignore her and not go back. I assume it is ok for the first time, so she gets the idea of being made to stay in bed, then ignore her from then on.
We used a ‘tough love’ kind of approach where we put our little girl into her bed with her favourite cuddly toy. Explained to her what was expected then said goodnight and left. She protested, cried, called out and for two evenings we sat downstairs wondering whether we should go to her and comfort her.
We stayed strong and followed the direct approach. After about a week we are at the stage where she goes to bed and as we leave she calls out once or twice as she follows us to the door. She then sits next to the baby gate and falls asleep there. A little later in the evening when she is sound asleep we transfer her to her bed where she usually stays until morning – result!
One thing we think has helped is a night light. At first we got a desktop type of kids night light. It had a pink glow to it with rotating images inside that were projected on to the ceiling. To be honest we may as well had the main light on as it was so bright. We wanted something a lot less obvious that gave some reassurance without preventing sleep. We opted for a plug in nightlight that senses ambient light and adjusts its output accordingly. It seems to do the trick and keeps our daughter happy.
Our health visitor said it is OK to put her in bed later when she has settled by the door as long as we don’t go back to her when she is calling out. Another top tip is to put a duvet or something soft on the floor by the door. This way, if she does fall asleep there at least she will be comfortable. We are told that as the weather here turns for Winter she will feel the cold and take herself back to bed for a warm snuggle anyway. So far, so good.
What to do if your child gets out of bed…
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